An Ode to Auditing

We test without apology
Both safety and ecology
And inventories, budgets, and production.
Checking scrap and sanitation,
Overtime, and transportation –
Not forgetting cost accounting and construction.
We test sales and check insurance
(EDP tries our endurance
As we audit payroll, cash, and simulation!)
We study management by objective,
Test controls that are defective,
And evaluate employee compensation.
We do sampling and regression
And there is a strong impression
We're responsible for catching all crooks.
We are really in our element
With research and development –
But thankfully we do not keep the books.
We check aircraft, trucks and motor cars,
And rockets that fly up to the stars,
And leases, loans – even personnel.
We examine engineering
Even salvage is endearing
And we check on records management as well.
There is nothing we can't verify –
There's nothing that escapes our eye.
Alert to all misconduct and to fraud.
We will go where others fear to tread
And as it has often been said,
"We are the eyes and ears of management and the Board."
- By Lawrence Sawyer

Top 10 Signs Your Accountant is Nuts

10. In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take a
million dollars."
9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
8. You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote.
7. Insists that there is no such number as four.
6. He laughed at Bob Dole background check (I am sorry - that's a sign
he is hypnotized).
5. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
4. Advises to save you postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
3. Instead of a CPA license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek.
2. Demands that you call "Una-countant."
1. He's got a 1040 form tattooed on his ..........

Accountant Goes To Heaven

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. "What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter.

"Public Practitioner," is the reply.

"Name?" He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

"Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter.

"How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight"

"No, that's impossible."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."

Three partners having lunch

Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears.
"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each."
"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to the Whitsunday Islands, give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for ever."
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
"Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Cook Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever."
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
The genie turns to the senior partner. "And what do you want?"
"I want those two back in the office straight after lunch."

54-year-old accountant

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."