Accoutants in train

A group of accountants and a group of engineers were traveling by train to a meeting. The engineers bought one ticket each and watched dumbfounded as the accountants bought only one ticket for their group. Upon inquiring of the accountants as to how they intended to travel with one ticket, they were told to "watch and learn." When the conductor began his collection of the tickets, the accountants all crowded into one bathroom. When the conductor knocked on the door and said "Ticket please", one of the accountants handed him their ticket. The engineers, being quick to learn, purchased only one ticket for the return trip but watched in utter amazement as the accountants didn't purchase any tickets. When the conductor began to collect tickets, the engineers crowded into one bathroom and the accountants into another to await his arrival. After the doors closed, one of the accountants walked over to the bathroom where the engineers were waiting, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket please!"

Auditors' Comments

Here are some of the lovely comments/questions that I/other auditors have heard in the last six months and the responses that I would like to give them, but are too nice to actually say:

1. Do you even know the difference between tax basis and accrual basis of accounting?
Um, yes, I might be new at this, but I’m not an idiot, although you seem to be for asking me that question in the first place.

2. You don’t seem to understand this (insert accounting policy) properly, how long have you been working as an auditor?
Long enough to know that you are wrong and I am right.

3. You’re wasting my time by requesting such nonsense items, aren’t you done with your audit yet?
The faster you get me my items, the faster this audit will be done and the faster I can get the hell out of here.

4. You don’t need to look at that account, it was done perfectly and there are no errors.
That’s exactly what you said for the last five accounts that I just happened to find errors in.

5. You already asked me that question once, stop making me repeat myself.
Well, if you explained it to me in a way a normal person could understand it in the first place, then I wouldn’t be here again.

Yes, auditors have their faults too, and some of them, like me, are young and don’t know everything, but you’re stuck with us no matter what, so, you might as well make the experience pleasant

Genie in a Lamp

A man was walking along a beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. Because I am so powerful, I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.

" The man pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be peace among the people in the middle east."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. They are always going to be fighting. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The man then said, "Well, my staff is switching to Excel. I wonder if you could teach them this VBA thing."

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

An accountant at Saint Peter's gate

An accountant appears at Saint Peter's gate. Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, "Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?"

"Well," says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled "Hey jerks, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of 'em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

Saint Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?"
The accountant replies, "About five minutes ago."

An economist and an accountant

An economist and an accountant are walking along a large puddle. They come across a frog jumping in the mud. The economist says: "If you eat the frog I'll give you $20,000!"

The accountant checks his budget and figures out he's better off eating it, so he does and collects money.

Continuing along the same puddle they almost step onto yet another frog. The accountant says: "Now, if you eat this frog I'll give you $20,000."

After evaluating the proposal the economist eats the frog and gets the money.

They go on. The accountant starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate frogs. I don't see us being better off."

The economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade.